Most of us want to feel connected. If we have a problem or a concern, we want to feel validated. Not getting this validation can put us in a defensive mode.
If your goal is to create harmony, empathy is the only way to achieve synergy. Synergy creates a safe space, where conflict can be resolved. By showing an individual or a group who is in conflict empathy and compassion, lots of issues can be resolved because of a shared intent to do so.
The Essence of Compassion, author unknown, explains how we all strive and we all need compassion.
“Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant with the weak and the wrong…. because sometime in our life you will have been all of these.”
If we act and communicate with the essence of compassion, our audience will be calmed and engaged in a positive way. The goal is to always rise to the positive. Conversations can be turned around if the individual/group realizes that they matter.
Body language and voice volume needs to remain calm and engaged. Keeping arms open rather than crossed, leaning forward rather than away can go far in cuing the defensive towards a positive outcome. When trying to calm a situation lowering the volume of your voice will also reassure. It is not easy to keep a lowered voice when the actions of another is heightened, but this has a calming effect. Being in control of ourselves has a calming effect on our audience. A defensive mode will not instill confidence, but acerbate the situation.
Words matter. Knowing what to say is very important in de-escalation. Words are our destiny. A quote by Lao Tzu speaks to the impact words have.
“Watch your thoughts, they become words; watch your words for they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
Choosing compassionate words and phrases will propel our audience, clients and patients towards a positive outcome.
Using feel, felt, found is so profound. This process places us in a synergistic group. Remember synergy puts us all in a mutual desire to create a positive outcome. If all parties agree that something needs to be resolved, there is a good probability that a positive outcome will happen.
Having compassion is the only way to effectively use feel, felt, found. To just go through the motions is not going to be effective. One must be willing to ingratiate themselves, or create grace and favor through purposeful intent to resolve the conflict.
FEEL: Always start by saying “I understand how you must feel”. This is not a decree that you agree.
It is a statement of validation. Validation is letting the audience or person who is expressing concern know you are engaged and with them.
FELT: (This is where the compassion comes in) Compassion puts you in the persons shoes. In a sales situation it is appropriate to comment on how someone else’s situation is similar to the matter at hand. But in an office situation it is not always appropriate to comment on other client or patient situations. It is appropriate to put yourself in the individual or audience’s situation. Start this part of the communication with “I have felt this way also, and I understand your frustration”. This puts you and the individual (or audience) in a synergistic mode. You have now built a rapport and you are on the way to building trust. TRUST is the main goal. Trust must then be earned. True intentions of resolving and calming have now been opened up for possibilities. The calming is starting to happen. Even if the matter is not resolved in the way the individual or audience desires, this has created a de-escalation that will help the matter come to a conclusion.
“I have felt just like this in similar situations”. This is an industry go to. This statement, while general gets you to the problem solving, the action that is going toward a positive outcome. This statement creates distance and room to move forward, ask questions and get to the bottom of the problem. If composure on your part is needed, even leaving the area to take a few deep-breaths to compose, so as to give a few minutes to each party, can be effective.
FOUND: This portion is getting to the problem, and establishing how to proceed. It is not always possible to please the individual, or resolve the conflict in the manner that suits the escalated party. Groundwork has been laid to soften what is said here. Now, mirroring can be effective. Repeat back to the individual or group what was just said by them. “Let me make sure I understand, you are needing ____________.” This lets them know that you understand and validate what was said, even if the outcome is not going to be what the individual or group wants or needs.
This is how the conversation can look:
“I understand how you must feel. I have felt just like this in similar situations. Let me make sure I understand, you are needing _______________. This is what I can do _____________.”
Regardless of the result or what can be done, the person will feel validated, connected and heard. Hopefully this will de-escalate the individual or group into a place of acceptance that there is the mutual goal to resolve the issue.
Remember, the goal is to resolve the issue, not make it go away for the moment. FOLLOW THROUGH is the only way to truly resolve an issue. NOW follow through on the intention that has been set in motion.
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